I wrote this in response to someone else's blog post that got me thinking:
This is very compelling, and as both an adoptive mother and a natural
mother I relate to so much of what you say. I would like to say one
thing though, and that's about why we choose to become parents. You seem
to feel a bit guilty for wanting and enjoying your children, as if
being a parent were somehow a selfish act. Well, it is. No one has a
child biologically because they think it will be good for the child. A
woman has a baby (under ideal circumstances) because she WANTS one. Dr.
Barry Brazelton said the only reason to have a baby is because you can't
stand not to. Having a baby is instinctual for most women; it defies
logic and is simply deep desire, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Nature intended it that way. I had four children, raised three, and my
life would be empty without them. Of course, they're trouble, but as
Zorba the Greek said, Sometimes you have to undo your belt and go out
and look for trouble! Parenthood is a great risk and a great adventure,
not for the faint of heart but worth every dirty diaper, screaming
toddler, surly adolescent, and sleepless night. I would not be the
person I am without my children, and I say that with humility and with
pride. Adoptive parents have the same desire for parenthood as anyone
else, but somehow nature throws them a curve ball. This is regrettable,
tragic even, but it's no reason to take another mother's baby. I adopted
a baby from Vietnam because I wanted to rescue a child from a war zone,
not because I was infertile. I now realize I was also trying to replace
the son I had lost to adoption a few years earlier. I thought I was
saving a child, and I believe I did, but I now realize my motives were
largely selfish. I was not acting out of deep, natural, instinctual
desire but out of a sense of guilt and remorse. I wanted to feel good
about myself, because I felt so bad about losing my first son. I wanted
to help, nurture, and love a child, but my motives were more complicated
than most. At no time did I ever get the counseling that would have
helped me understand and come to terms with all that was going on inside
me, and because I stumbled blindly a lot of damage was done. Everyone
is screwed up in one way or another, but living with secrets and lies is
a sure way to scramble your brains, whether you're a natural mother or
an adoptee. All adoptees have the right to their own information and
history. No one, not even a natural mother, has the right to deny them
that.
